After This: Part I

You know how sometimes something falls into your lap that just feels like it was meant to be? A person, a job, an opportunity of a lifetime? We've all experienced it to some degree, perhaps multiple times. In this case, a book called After This fell into my lap thanks to a text message from Mere. She'd seen a Q&A on Kelle's blog with the author, Claire Bidwell Smith, and asked if I would want to read the book together. I couldn't have said 'YES' more quickly or emphatically. Mere has always been, and continues to be, very honest and open checking in with me throughout the grieving process, so to have someone to discuss this book that explores both grief and the notion of 'what's next?' with has been really special.

Part of the book consists of letters from Claire to her two daughters between the chapters. Her girls are still young, and in her letters, she imparts notes of wisdom and observation to them knowing that she wants something tangible for them to hold onto when she's gone. Having lost both of her parents before she was thirty, Claire understands that none of us are guaranteed the life that we expect to live.

Here's an excerpt from one of her letters that stood out to me so, so clearly:

'There are a great many things that will try to get in the way of you being who you are. There will be heartbreak and there will be loss and there will be accidents unforeseen, forks in the road you never could have anticipated. Let them shape you, rather than deter you. Let go of the frustration you'll experience, the anger that things are not what you thought they would be. Embrace the experiences, no matter how painful, and learn from them.
Every single painful experience I've had in my life has served as a great lesson to help me understand myself and the world. For so long I struggled to see this. I felt resentful and bitter about the things that kept happening to me. I failed to see the radical ways in which these things were helping me to grow.
The quickest way through pain and regret is to let yourself flow into it for a time. Embrace it, own it, feel it, and you will discover more depths that life has to offer. You will see the world with fresh eyes each time you are dropped to your knees, and you will rise up again stronger and wiser and more grateful for who you are.
Let yourself be humbled, not destroyed. It is in our most fragile moments when we can truly learn who we are meant to be.'

I can't really describe how much this resonates with me. Its been seventeen months since my dad passed and in some ways my grief and anger are stronger than they've ever been. I know that respecting the process is important, but there are also days when smashing things around me sounds like a reasonable alternative. Claire's writing has really forced me to dig deep and take myself on a little journey of self-exploration.

I know that we all have people, places, and things that stand out to us as game-changers in life and for me, this book is already one of them. I'm excited to write more about it, because frankly, there's a lot to be written about.


i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart