Grief: One Year Later

"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to." -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

January 2nd came and went and if we're being honest, it's a relief to have passed the time stamp of 365 days. I've written about time being a strange part of the grieving process before, and for me the mark of a year brought a lot of unknown expectation along with it. I had no idea what emotions the day would bring up, but there are two things that I've been working on diligently over the last year since my dad passed: asking for what I need and allowing myself to feel how I feel, regardless of whether or not it's an "expected" feeling. I caught myself questioning if I should be feeling more remorseful or down on the 2nd, and I quickly reminded myself that to some degree every single day of the past year has been a struggle and that I needed to cut myself some slack and strip away any expectations of what the day would look and feel like.

I spent a lot of time that day on the beach thinking about the circle of life - how much has changed in the past year as we navigated the rough seas of grieving and also celebrate the fact that a baby girl will be here so soon. It goes without saying that I so wish that my dad were here to offer his sage advice as CP and I chart these unknown waters of parenthood. I wish that he were here for her first Nats game this spring, among many other family firsts. That being said, I know that my dad is going to live vicariously though this little peanut - his love of baseball and basketball, cooking, volunteering for his community, and loving others unconditionally are all things that I want her to enjoy and value. Most importantly, I want her to live his simple yet incredibly full mantra to to the fullest each day: be nice, work hard.

There's no knowing how grief will continue to morph down the road. I imagine there will still be some tearful nights and some people/places/things that evoke strong memories and reactions, but there's undoubtedly something to be said for making it past a year with no major catastrophes to speak of. We've been so incredibly fortunate to have the love and support of family and friends both near and far and for that I'm forever grateful. The loss of a loved one isn't something that I'd ever wish on anyone, but there's a lot to be said for the strength and perseverance of the human spirit. When you have no other choice, you put one foot in front of the other day after day and somehow life marches on.