On Relationships

Oh, where to start....

Relationships are something that I've been consistently working on for many years now. Really, when you think about it, they are the ground zero of life. Every single daily interaction is based upon some form of a relationship with another human being (or four-legged friend!). Home, work, social lives- they all revolve around the way me make other people feel and vice versa.

For a long time, relationships seemed like a banking system to me. Now, I didn't think about it from this perspective at the time, but sitting here trying to think of an accurate representation brings banking to the forefront of my mind. There are credits and there are debts with people. You do something nice for them and then there is some level of expectation that a kind deed will be reciprocated. Conversely, if someone does something nice for you, you're in debt to them and need to step up to the relationship plate. Of course, even sitting here typing this, it seems absurd. And this is not to say that every relationship in my life played out this way by any means. However, on some level there was this lingering feeling of giving and receiving that many relationships were built upon.

Along those same lines.....you know how some families are the type that bury their heads in the sand when things get awkward and tough? Both sides of my family are quite the opposite for the most part in that regard. You don't bury your head in the sand- you freaking grab that sand and you hurl it as hard as you can in someone else's face and then you run and don't talk for a long time. These were difficult circumstances to grow up under with extended family (and with my own parents to an extent) and it was truly the only thing I knew.

And so, you can imagine as a little girl growing up surrounded by this, I learned quickly that anger was not something that was wise for me to express out of the fear of what might be waiting on the other side. Well, twenty five years later, that suppressed anger had manifested itself into some REARING anxiety that truly had to be faced head on. As many of you know if you've been a reader for some time, I ended up seeing a therapist for about four years and it was absolutely life-changing (and I mean this quite literally). I learned that so much of my anxiety was coming from the anger that I had no clue how to handle. The thought of being able to have a straightforward conversation with a family member, friend, co-worker, etc. saying, 'Hey, you hurt my feelings when you said/did XYZ...." was truly unfathomable. Doesn't that seem so silly!? And yet, it was my reality and I've learned that it's a stark reality for a LOT of people in this world.

Now that I've taken you on a loooong back-road, I want to get to the gist of what I intended to write about. People change. Relationships change. Lives change. This is a good thing!! There is no way that all of us were meant to remain static in our beliefs and actions for our entire lives. However, sometimes relationships become sticky and scary when we change. Perhaps those we love, those we work with, those we respect aren't changing at the same time or in the same direction. It's taken me 29 years to come to grips with the fact that THIS IS OKAY. I repeat! THIS IS OKAY!!! Just as we're not meant to stay fixed for our entire lives, neither are our relationships. They ebb, they flow, they veer right and left and they have to make u-turns- and despite all of the negativity generally associated with these movements, ultimately it can be a good thing.

Within the movement, there is a level of respect and responsibility that I've discovered I owe to myself and the relationships that I keep. There is a responsibility to speak. Not to yell, not to type/text, not to whisper to someone else- the responsibility to tell someone what is going through your mind. Will it always get you where you want to be in your relationship? Absolutely not. However, despite what many of us conjure up in our heads, people are not mind readers. They cannot get inside your head at any given moment and comprehend what you're processing.

All this to say: it's a false reality to believe that all of the relationships in our lives will always remain what they currently are. It's unfair to both/all people in a relationship to expect this. Beyond that, though, when the going gets tough, you speak and you listen. You don't hurl sand or mean words. You don't hide behind a screen. You look inside yourself, identify what the root of your own anger or frustration is, and you find a respectful way to voice that. And frankly, if and when you don't get the type of response or feedback that you're seeking, then that can be a signal to take a step back for a bit. Not for forever, but for enough time that you're able to reflect and regroup without saying things that you don't necessarily mean. For me- and I think perhaps for a lot of us- time is the greatest healer. It's not an eraser, but it's a mode through which we're able to process, ebb, flow, turn left/right/reverse, as well as spend some time with our own thoughts before we jump to words and action.


It's okay for relationships to not always be perfect. It's okay to say that you need time. It's okay to be close and then not be close, so long as there's a level of honesty and respect that's voiced in that movement. Just like the seasons, people change and we owe it to ourselves and those that we're close with to not only acknowledge that, but to also decide openly what we'd like to do with that.