Grief: 15 Months Later

Dad,

It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that you've been gone for well over a year now. It feels like life has really hit a new normal, which is both a welcome feeling and a lamentable one. I can't really describe it - it's as though I've moved from mourning your loss to missing your presence. Rather than fighting back tears most days (and letting them flow freely on others) wishing life wasn't so unfair, I find myself enjoying life and experiences to the fullest again. These two dimensions of emotion were mutually exclusive for a long time and they no longer are.

There are times when it scares me (in a good way!) how much of you I see in myself. I think back to the times when you would offer me advice and guidance and I would go toe to toe with you on it, knowing full well that you were absolutely correct but having wanted to arrive there on my own. Now that you're not here, I'm forced to arrive there on my own. I'd like to think that you would be picking your jaw off of the floor if you saw how little energy I spend fixating on things that I've realized simply don't deserve my energy these days, and instead, focusing far more intently and passionately on those that do. One thing that I'm continuing to work on is patience - let's be honest, this is something I'll always be working on. Baby Pike's due date is today and I can hear you telling me loud and clear that this is the first of millions of times as a mother that I'll have absolutely no control over the situation and that I better get used to it.

When I think about you as a father, I think about how flawed you were as a person (just like all of us), and yet how I never ever questioned where I stood in your life. I never had to because you always let me know. I can only hope that I'm able to do the same for our little one. I know that this is something that so many people remember fondly about you - you wore your heart on your sleeve and always went out of your way to let others know how much they meant to you.

We love you forever and always.

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)