Anticipation

I feel like I have a lot of emotional stock in these coming months as we approach the one year mark of losing my dad unexpectedly (I've grown to hate using the term 'anniversary' - it has far too happy of a connotation). Not only is the actual day encroaching slowly but surely, but there are also a slew of firsts that are sneaking up - a first birthday without my dad, a first Thanksgiving with no one to cook for our family, a first Christmas without my dad giving my mom and I artfully wrapped presents that he took so much love and care to pick out for us.

Last Christmas my dad gave CP and I a gift certificate for the Shakespeare Theatre and dinner at The Source. He addressed the envelope to us with cut out magazine letters that spelled our names - something that he was so proud of and made sure we noted, despite its simplicity.  As much as I'm eager to make it to the theatre, there's also a piece of me that never wants to use the contents of that envelope in fear that somehow that piece of thoughtfulness and love will have vanished once we do. Of course, it makes more logical sense to go see a play in honor of my dad and enjoy it (something that we often did together as a family when I was growing up), but there's an overwhelming sense of fear as a year approaches that by doing certain things, my dad will be lost and forgotten. On the one hand, I'm anxious for the year mark to come and go and for us to be able to say "we're okay" instead of "we're going to be okay". On the other hand, I'm worrisome that somehow a year passing by means that not only will those around me not continue to feel the impact of my dad's loss, but perhaps I won't either. I know that my dad will never ever be forgotten, but even now I feel myself moving past all-encompassing grief and while that is a good thing, it's also a scary and unknown thing.

November 18th will come and go, as will November 27th, December 25th, December 31st, and January 2nd. I stress about what that last significant day will look like even though I will have so little control over that. I wonder what the following days, weeks, and years will look like, too. To be fair, I've certainly learned that life has a way of throwing us curveballs - good, bad, and ugly - and so much of what we try to anticipate and control is out of our hands. That doesn't mean I don't try, though.

I guess in all of the unknown, there are some 'knowns' - these days will come and go, and whatever emotions they bring along with them will be. Whether the next two months, years, and decades are filled with celebration or sadness, they will bring lessons to learn, people to love, and people that love us.